Definitely not as much as I used to

An honest conversation about motherhood, anxiety, yoga and more

Welcome to A Heartfelt Exercise, a newsletter about motherhood and yoga and my experiences of matrescence and work, worth, perfectionism, creativity, self determination, anxiety, social justice, self compassion, values, trust, confidence, feminism and… all the things.

In this inaugural edition, indulge me with a brief contextualising introduction and rationale for starting a newsletter on Substack.

I have practiced yoga since 2005 and pilates since 2007. Once I left law for education in 2013, I had a yoga teacher training course tab open on my laptop for approximately the decade of 2010-2020, but never committed. I did many certificates, short courses and workshops, but always felt that a) the yoga world is flooded with hundreds of new teachers every year in Melbourne alone; b) it would be intimidating to try to teach something so private and life changing - what if I was no good? and c) it was difficult to find a training I could make work with the school terms / holidays. It wasn’t until 2020 and programs being offered online that I finally felt I could - and wanted to - do my training.

In the year or so after my first son in 2018 I was surprised at the lack of anything much offered between the extremes of ‘clinical postpartum recovery’ movement, and standard vinyasa yoga, which, whilst my first love, no longer spoke to my physical or mental experiences. Not only did I have way less time to get to full length classes in studios, I needed some specific pain points addressed. For example, my weak and unstable core and sore lower back. My often asymmetrical posture, holding or feeding on one side or the other. My breathing. My pelvic floor. My psychological state: few things felt the same as they did before Eden. I was rethinking all my priorities and what gave life meaning. Yoga teachers who knew what that was like weren’t always who was teaching in the studios I’d previously practiced at. I always thought if I did my training, I would teach to that gap I myself experienced.

Postpartum is typically a rush of creative energy for me - in 2019 I created, hosted and produced a podcast. In early 2021 I commenced a PhD proposal and started Heartfelt Exercise, with a 6 week old in my arms. I was motivated to offer the type of movement I wanted myself and couldn’t find. I hired a hall, and planned the first few sequences and playlists. COVID regularly interrupted our scheduling, and when it didn’t, mums told me in droves they’d love to come but couldn’t - sickness, nap times, older kids, etc. They kept asking ‘Would you teach online?’

Thus, Heartfelt’s online membership. It’s been going for 6 months now, and I’m really proud of the 120 practices available; the way it continued throughout one of my lowest mental health episodes; and the way it has truly supported women experiencing their first few years of motherhood. Women I’d never otherwise have been able to meet, connect with or teach. But the social media side of things is draining, and a very flat and noisy place to share the longer form content I wanted to explore. Hence, this newsletter. After this introductory edition I plan to include memoir, reviews of what I’ve been reading, and yoga content, amongst other things.

Movement as healing, as a feminist act

I’m open about my ongoing anxiety and depression. I think they make me a better movement facilitator, because I am a deep empath, and have spent years educating and healing myself. I don’t plan to preach as though I’ve got it all worked out. Rather, I am here holding space for the whole spectrum of experiences of early motherhood. I am firmly anti-diet, anti guilt, shame or pressure. I promote intuitive eating, intuitive movement, and as much help from as many professionals as your resources allow: psychologists, women’s health physios, dietitians, psychiatrists, osteos, etc.

In terms of the spirituality and philosophy of yoga, motherhood and movement, I remain very interested in the work of a life on one’s own terms. The first TEDxWomen event I designed and produced in 2011 was themed ‘Self Determination’.

self-determination
n
1. the power or ability to make a decision for oneself without influence from outside
2. the right of a people to determine its own form without influence from outside

At the time, I asked: “As women, in what ways does the creation and negotiation of our 'self' precede conscious choice? How do we begin to make those decisions more conscious? How do women create our own realities, write stories rather than read other’s, design our own definition of "success"? What are the tools we need to share with younger generations to change our collective futures?”

I’m choosing to see it as a reflection of the complexity of this work that the questions that consumed and drove my 25 year old self are still entirely relevant a decade on. I think what has changed is the extent to which I’m aware now there are no real answers, other than the continual posing of questions to check with yourself: How am I being? Why might I be being like this? Is this how I want to be? How else might I be? Is how I’m being supportive of all women, or just me?

And these shifts and changes are an ongoing dance, a recalibration every hour and day and month and year we are lucky enough to be alive. What have I internalised or inherited? What am I believing, and do I want to allow that to continue to drive me?

At the risk of this newsletter becoming exhaustively long, but also losing you to the abstract rather than the specific and relatable… A collection of related anecdotes.

No Answers, No Rules

I am working through a book on Overcoming Perfectionism with my psychologist, and it’s helpful. Unrelenting standards have always been a problem for me. I think it’s because if you can’t/don’t Do All The Things, you have to choose Some Things, and that’s terrifying for a person who has mostly looked for external measures of worth, purpose and meaning. If I get this job, do this thing, read this and achieve that, then it’ll be a ‘rich life’, or ‘enough’, or something. But if you do much less, well - you have to live with those choices and tolerate any opportunity cost. You have to put some stakes in the ground of your life and let some other things go. It’s confronting.

I also did a 6 week program called ‘Tuning into Kids’, essentially about relating to your kids and helping them develop emotional intelligence through allowing and accepting the spectrum of feelings. At various times one of the parents would ask ‘So what do we do if …[XYZ]?’ and the very warm and wise facilitator would say, ‘Well, that depends on [ABCDEFG]’. There are no definitive answers, right?

Lastly, in the hospital day program I’ve been participating in (for those discharged from the Early Parenting Unit where I spent a few weeks mid 2021), in the context of a chat about self care and meeting our own needs, a fellow participant asked ‘But how do I know what I need? I don’t even know how you know.’ I read it as a reflection of just how disconnected we can become from our deepest, most basic, core self. How we can feel overwhelmed with the external noise and pressure of life, and confused by what is right and what is wrong when we aren’t practiced at listening, instead, to the answers that are inside us. We do know what we need, we just forget how to listen. Perhaps? I’d love to know if any of this resonates.

Lastly, a practice.

The focus is the foundational warrior poses. What I aim to convey in my teaching of yoga and pilates is that yes, there are alignment points I can offer that help you learn how to place your body in certain ways, but these are like the essence of the practice, or the basic recipe. From there, you iterate, tweak, refine, listen and move into poses with your own particular way. You practice self-determination in the way you embody the poses. Let me know how it feels.