Conscious choice: Directing and preserving your energy these holidays
Eyes open, deep breaths and go easy knowing: your choice is perfect if you chose it
When I was growing up, Christmas morning at our house was idyllic - except for Mum’s mood. There were often presents we never expected, that were ‘sold out’ or hard to get, or that we simply never thought of but adored. There was plenty of delicious, meticulously planned food, a happy pet frolicking around, beautiful weather, extended family visiting, and the pool to jump in. In the lead up to Christmas, we always had fun costumes for dress up days, clean clothes for concerts or presentations, thoughtful and timely thank you gifts for teachers.
But Mum was always stressed.
She was mostly absent from the actual life of Christmas morning in particular, because she was busy trying to bring everything together - cleaning, tidying, setting tables, roasting and carving, plating up, ‘zhuzh-ing’.
This is not to shame her, or minimise the significance of all that effort and work in the contribution it made to my happy memories, and those of my grandparents, whose comfort she seemed primarily motivated by. Over the years we’ve chatted a number of times about Mum’s ‘why’. If she genuinely loved cooking, or hosting, bloody brilliant. But it seems she felt she ‘should’, or ‘had to’, or perhaps just ‘wanted it to be nice’ but unconsciously placed the emphasis on the material and concrete, rather than the energetic and relational.
I have absolutely inherited a drive to ‘have things nice’, buy the ‘right’ gift to show appreciation, host people with an inviting house and food. But I am trying to remember that does not matter more than how I am with people.
If I buy Dylan a perfectly thoughtful gift but am a narky stressy witch all week leading up to Christmas, what’s it matter? If the kids eat well and keep their routine but I’m anxious the whole time, what’s the net benefit?
I am tryyyyying to notice how I’m being, and remember that most of what I think matters in the day to day doesn’t bear out as significant in any exisiting evidence (or in my gut/intellect when I have some perspective).
A key thesis statement in Emily Oster’s latest book The Family Firm is that whatever you do as a parent, choose it consciously.
I would add: choose from a place of awareness of your own values. I’ll step through what that might look like in the form of a 10-15 minute journalling activity you might like to do yourself:
Consider: What is important to me? Some follow up questions to reflect on might be: What do I want to look back on and remember about this time? How do I want to feel today/this week/this month? If you’ve thought about your values, these can be a helpful resource.
I want to be calm, present and responsive to others around me. I value small gifts as thank yous, and nice cards, so I will arrange these. I want to resist the urge to consume more, when I know we are happy and well with what we have or what I have already bought for kids/others. I want to be less frantic, and more methodical, allowing some me time to process the massive year of challenge and heartache and triumph and personal growth, so that I don’t carry too much heaviness into 2022.
(My values, for what it’s worth, are joy, connection, embodiment, integrity, loyalty, presence, humility, acceptance, generosity, loving kindness/self-compassion.)
Where are there commitments, hard non-negotiables?
We spend Christmas Day with family. There are a few events where I won’t be able to manage the kids’ food, naps or exposure to consumerism in ways I might prefer. I have work parties which will take a lot of energy from me.
Where is there flexibility?
I don’t have to buy everyone a present. I don’t have to catch up with every person who contacts me or who I’d like to see. I don’t have to do Elf on the Shelf. I don’t have to spend a long time at family Christmas, and I can book something for myself to recharge, even if it’s 10 minutes meditation in the care before the work party. I can balance ‘write off’ days for the kiddos with ensuring down time, some healthy meals and rest - but also show myself a huge dose of freakin’ compassion that it will all be OK and this time is short. Even sugar induced meltdowns aren’t so bad if I meet them with loving kindness for them and me, knowing all is fleeting.
If you consciously choose to attend something, participate in something, or buy something, you might do a quick double check: Which of my personal values is this connected to…? Or is it in fact actually motivated by obligation, pressure or guilt? Do I feel heard / present in this choice, or is it quite automatic (suggestive of obligation)?
Lastly, to ensure you have any chance in hell of “conscious choice” rather than hiding in the toilet with a gin at the end of these long two years (which may, incidentally, be your conscious choice - and if so, cheers!), consider a few moments of loving kindness to check in with yourself…
Take 3 minutes of deep breathes to meditate on the open question: What is real for me? (Tiredness, sadness, joy, loneliness, exhaustion, fear, anxiety?) Based on what is real, what do I need, and how can I get that need met?
(It’s definitely harder in motherhood, but it's still worth trying, even with a wry smile at the shitty second rate-ness of it.)
I need to have a break from the kids for half an hour. Can I walk for a bit somehow? Early in the morning/after bed thanks to daylight savings.
I need to recognise my own efforts in managing the mental load of Christmas prep. Can I pump my favourite tunes/write a letter of congratulations to myself for everything I have done for those I love this year?
I need to get more organised as I’ve done nothing and that makes me feel a bit shitty. Can I make a list of 2-3 things I could do today, and tick them off, to feel proud of my ability to follow through? (We all sit on a spectrum and some of us need to lean back a bit to feel balanced, and others need to lean in a bit.)
Thanks to every single one of you for your support in 2021. Whether you’ve been a Heartfelt Member since the very beginning, or this is the first email you’ve opened, it means so much to have my creative self expression received by you all. I hope it has been helpful and I look forward to what 2022 brings. Go well. xx
On the membership this week:
A 22 minute Soothed practice to work with conscious choice in the body. The more deeply we can pay attention and experience the internal (cultivating interoception) the more choices there are in our body and how we move throughout our days. In this practice we slow down and build awareness of the difference between the position of the hips and pelvis, using the glutes and hamstrings.
20 minutes of my Energise Christmas Special. I honestly LOVED filming this class, which is why it's my Christmas gift to you all. Rotation, thoracic mobility, opening through the hips and backs of the legs, spinal extension, back strengthening... all with a nice easy flowing vibe that means the challenge of it is hopefully experienced as a mindful, embodied flow state rather than a struggle.
Sooo good. Thanks Em. 🙌